Carrying the Burden: The Emotional Toll of Loving Someone with Addiction

When I was 9 years old, I witnessed my dad's unwavering determination to overcome his smoking addiction. One day, he came home with tickets to a hypnotist show, believing it would be the solution he needed to quit smoking cigarettes for good. Unfortunately, the hypnotist's influence only lasted a few weeks, and my dad found himself back to smoking.

As I grew older, around the age of 13, my dad's struggles escalated. He started smoking crack cocaine in our home. Later, I'd come to find out he was relapsing but in the moment, it was new to me. In my naivety, I believed I could be the 'hypnotist' in his life: the one who could save him. I started blaming myself, convinced that if I had been a better daughter, he wouldn't have turned to drugs. I carried this heavy burden on my shoulders, thinking I was both the antidote and the reason behind his addiction.

The truth is, addiction is not a straightforward journey to sobriety. It's a challenging path filled with cravings, physical obstacles, shame, self-blame, regrets, and lost memories. We often wish for a simple solution, as if a hypnotist could magically erase our loved ones' addictions. But the reality is far more complicated, like trying to untangle a giant ball of chain that has been knotted for years.

Finding a reason for our loved ones' addictions is equally difficult. We desperately seek cause and effect, crafting beliefs in our minds to make sense of the situation. For me, it was believing that my dad's addiction was my fault for not being a good enough daughter. It may sound sad and even ridiculous to some, but we cling to these beliefs because we want something to hold on to. We don't want to accept the immense effort it will take for our loved ones to recover. We long for a quick fix, a simple cause we can identify, fix, and heal. We want to take the burden away. Even if it means we place it on ourselves.

Fortunately, love, support, and forgiveness possess incredible power to facilitate healing and progress for both parties involved. It's the most beautiful part of life. Imagine standing atop a challenging mountain, looking down at your loved one. You've made the arduous climb with walking poles, water, and clear open skies.

However, you cannot physically assist them in their ascent. All you can do is observe and await their arrival at the peak, ready to embrace them warmly. While you had walking poles, they carry heavy chains on their shoulders, hands, and ankles. Instead of water, they are surrounded by a swarm of buzzing flies, and the air around them is dense with a dark fog. You watch in awe of their strength, witnessing just how much harder it is for them. You yearn to rush down and help, but it's not yet time. There may be moments when they stumble and fall, but you witness their resilience as they pick themselves back up. There is nothing more admirable than a human who reaches the mountaintop or even attempts to do so.

We all hope for our loved ones to conquer that mountain. Some of their chains may never fully disappear, but they can fade from our eyes. Yet, the weight of those chains will linger with them throughout their lives. Our loved ones who hold the weight of addiction are stronger than we'll ever be.